February is no more. It ended promptly on February 28 as expected, while thoughtful Americans were still pondering President Barack H. Obama’s January 28 State of the Union address. He insisted on giving it, and apparently no one was able to prevent him—not even Mrs. Michele Obama, who is a lot bigger than the president. The president, who won the 2009 Nobel Prize for Peace & Comedy nine months after his inauguration, gives these mendacious talks every year and will be giving two more before his term expires. A couple of patriotic ushers tried to direct him to a different chamber across the Capitol, but he was wise to them and entered the House of Representatives chamber only a few minutes late and with armed guards, so there was to be no more fooling around.
In his speech he struck a boldly fascist theme, calling for a “Year of Action” and vowing to eliminate “inequality.” He promised to “bypass” Congress and to implement executive orders to move his agenda forward. Almost immediately violence broke out against the “One Percenters,” first in San Francisco and then in various other parts of the country. In Atherton, California, offensive graffiti was sprayed on mansions, and some of the demonstrators—presumably what are called “Occupiers”—used the “F” word, though they avoided the embarrassment of revealing their illiteracy by using “F***.” Yet we know what they were getting at. You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, eh comrades? Still the most innovative of the President’s followers was 23-year-old Mr. David C. Gorczynski of Easton, Pennsylvania, who entered a bank after the President’s speech carrying cardboard signs saying “You’re Being Robbed” and another saying “Give a Man a Gun, He Can Rob a Bank. Give a Man a Bank, And He Can Rob A Country.” Young Mr. Gorczynski was charged with attempted bank robbery. Rather than risk being tried for a felony, he accepted enrollment in a first-offender program and then—not surprisingly—announced his intention to relocate to California.
The winter Olympics opened promptly on February 7 in Sochi, Russia, and before their conclusion on February 23 the Russians won thirty-three medals, over a dozen of them legally. The United States came in second with twenty-eight medals and Norway took twenty-six. Unfortunately the Jamaican bobsled team missed medaling as did contestants from Togo, Tonga, East Timor, and Zimbabwe, though all were good sports and none has registered a human rights complaint as of this writing. Next up on the Olympic schedule is the “Condom Olympics” to be held at the University of Arizona this spring during UA’s annual “Sex Talk Week and Sexual Health Resource Fair.” No one has thought to ask former President Mr. Bill Clinton, though surely it has occurred to someone to ask Monica, or Her Rotundity as confidants call her, and why not Hillary, who, incidentally, is looking rather too decrepit to be the Democrats’ Inevitable Candidate for 2016? How about making her the poster girl for Obamacare? Events at the “Condom Olympics” include a condom-wrapped egg throw, which is always a big hit and hopefully no one will be hurt.
Someone called Ronan Farrow has made a breathtaking rise to stardom with a show on MSNBC called Ronan Farrow Daily. Not much is known about the show, but it is believed to be on a tight budget, appearing only five days a week, in black and white, and guests have to bring their own canned laughter. At any rate, after just three days on the air Mr. Farrow has received the Cronkite Award for Excellence in Exploration and Journalism, and he is rumored to have been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. From Africa comes word that a former member of Congress undertaking a zoological expedition in Zimbabwe was arrested for allegedly making some 100 pornographic films, taking over 2,000 naked pictures (though he claims to have worn a robe during half of them), and running up $24,500 in unpaid bills, which is not a Congressional record, but it is exorbitant nonetheless. He is former Illinois Representative Mel Reynolds, the Chicago Congressman convicted in the 1990s for the statutory rape of a 16-year-old girl in an early example of the Democrats’ Chivalry Toward Women campaign that has been so successful with the fair sex during the presidencies of Mr. Clinton and Mr. Obama. Mr. Reynolds may have a shot at his old seat if he can ever get out of his Zimbabwean hoosegow. In Egypt, former President Mr. Hosni Mubarak was resting in opulence eating bonbons as the military government mowed down another mob of protestors. Meanwhile, former Islamist President Mr. Muhammad Morsi appeared once again in court, this time in what appeared to be an enormous goldfish bowl that prevented him from being heard, but who really cares? French President François Hollande confirmed that his “shared life” with Miss Valérie Trierweiler has ended, and the petit Frenchman went off to a state dinner at the White House where he was seated between Mr. and Mrs. Obama and did not get a word in edgewise. By the way, congratulations to that unnamed (and unidentified) terrorist trainer who was instructing a class of would-be suicide bombers a few miles north of Baghdad on the proper wear and care of a suicide belt. He evidently forgot that the contraption was packed with live explosives and it left twenty-one dead and unnumbered others with a horrible ringing in their ears. Why cannot there be more such pietists?
Scores of Ukrainians were killed when the country went up in flames just days after Russian President Vladimir Putin celebrated his Sochi triumph. A tyrant’s work is never done, right Vladi? In follow-up of our “World Exclusive” first reported here in the November Continuing Crisis, it appears that scantily clad coeds wearing no underpants whatsoever are going to prevail at the University of Florida College of Veterinary Medicine. This despite the no-nonsense efforts of Professor Don Samuelson surreptitiously to photograph under their skirts in an attempt, as he testified, “to gather proof” that they were “not wearing undergarments,” which the professor deemed “inappropriate.” Now the persecuted prof has given up his crusade. He has pled guilty to “video voyeurism” and may have to turn over the ingenious high-tech “camera pen” that he used to film the wanton hussies. He was also fined $672 and sentenced to three years probation. It is not known if he will continue to be allowed privileges in the faculty locker room.
The American Civil Liberties Union is looking into what appears to be the largest government bust of bird watchers in decades. As many as seventy bird watchers in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, were arrested, and 3,000 birds were confiscated, at what authorities called an illegal cock fighting tournament—more news on this shocking intrusion of government as it becomes available. Apparently some bad apples have infiltrated People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). According to the Center for Consumer Freedom (CCF) a freelance public nuisance group, PETA at its national shelter kills nearly 82 percent of the cats and dogs it takes in, or about 2,000 in 2013. And finally February saw the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day, and while it was not nearly as controversial as Christmas it did have its embarrassments. In Mercer, Pennsylvania, a woman visiting her boyfriend, an inmate at the State Correctional Institution, allegedly passed on drug-filled balloons to him while she engaged in an amorous embrace. Authorities recovered the balloons several days later in the inmate’s excrement. In old Mercer the wheels of justice grind on inexorably. So goes the Crisis for February.